amy courts: en route

Endings and Beginnings, Interruptions and Delays
January 19, 2011, 10:52 am
Filed under: Baby, Faith and Faith Life, Music, Uncategorized

“There is nothing interchangeable about Christians. …You and I, whether we are men or women, have nothing to do with the choice of the gift. We have everything to do with the use of the gift.” (Elisabeth Elliot, via Ronne Sellers Rock)

This morning my friend Ronne’s blog brought to mind waves of worries that have been crashing in my mind for the last 26 weeks. Well, OK…the last 18 weeks (because I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was about 8 weeks along). Worries not about motherhood – that’s a whole other blog – but about life…and changes…about new and old adventures, and how to navigate both…worries that one will tear me from the other…just a lot of worries.

As you know, 2010 was a pretty gigantic year for me, professionally and personally. Maybe the biggest yet. In some ways, indeed many ways, I felt like it was the Step Into. Never mind that I, of all people, should know by now there is no such thing as The Big Break anymore…every step is merely on its way to the next step, no matter what. But I was ready to be gung-go. I was going to tour my heart to peaces. I was going to write til I was wrung dry and play hundreds of shows with very important people. I was going to “capitalize on the year’s experiences” by “investing in new, profitable experiences.”

And then I got pregnant.

….aaaand not on purpose.

Now, don’t read me wrong: This pregnancy…man! This pregnancy is exactly what I’d been praying for for nearly four and a half years. I prayed for “an accident.” I prayed for God’s timing, because I didn’t want our timing to bring us down if our plans were unsuccessful. I prayed for a leak, and I doubt I’ve ever been more grateful for it. Because God, in His great kindness, answered this prayer – for the first time ever – exactly as I’d prayed.

So on one hand, I know how perfectly planned our little cage fighter monkey boy is, despite that we had no part in the planning.

On the other hand, part of me is a deep well of fear. By getting pregnant, I disobeyed the explicit direction of one prominent player in the industry who, in trying to help me out, advised that I hold off on babies for at least two more years to give myself uninterrupted time to get this thing off the ground.

So now, I spend days wondering if my career is over, and how to keep it afloat. I wake up in the night wondering if, in taking some time off to have a baby, the last eight years will be forgotten and I’ll have to start over…and how will I do that? I wonder if moving to Minneapolis next Fall will help or hinder the back-to-it process. I wonder if whatever audience I’ve gathered over the years will stay with me, and patiently await something new, believing it’ll be better…or if they’ll scatter to the winds.

I wonder why God, in all His full knowledge, would choose now to interrupt this journey – at a kind of crucial moment – and set me on a new, very demanding journey.

I can’t help but worry that God is pulling me into a new adventure and closing the door on the last one, when I’d only barely gotten to taste its sweetness.

And if that’s the case…

I confess, with shame, I fear becoming small and unimportant and unknown. I fear losing whatever status I have. I fear becoming “just” a wife and a mom.

But then…I know God. I’ve witnessed too many times His impeccable Hand at work, and I believe with my whole person that, truly, “no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor mind conceived what God has planned for those who love Him.” (1 Cor. 2:9)

So I know that if, indeed, this is the end of one adventure, it’s only because the new adventure is more unthinkably grand than my small mind can bear, and will demand and deserve every ounce of me.

I also know this: I have long considered my song to be my gift. But the truth is songs are merely a tool in the hands of a masterful Craftsman. They are not the gift, but the expression of it. If I have come to idolize the tool, I’ve lost my way and can make no good use of it anymore. So it’s right that it should be taken from me, even if only for a time. Perhaps that’s what’s happening. Or perhaps God is handing me a brand new set of tools with which to do totally different things, lest I forget who is the Craftsman after all.

I have no idea what lay ahead. I don’t know what my career will look like in ten months or ten years. I don’t know if it’ll even matter once this tiny human God has seen fit to grow in me is finally in my arms and on his own feet and driving cars.

But I believe God is a God of perfectly timed accidents. I believe that even if this is the end of one way, it’s the very beginning of another. And it is right. I have witnessed time and again that even on His most foolish day, He is wiser than me at my best.

And I know that He is good and worth trusting.

So whatever lay ahead…well, it will pale all in its fantastic beauty.

**Take a moment to go read the blog that inspired and encouraged me today. I’ve wasted many words here, but those words give life. Especially to those lost in wondering who they are and what use they could be to God.


17 Comments so far
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Oh Amy, this old gal knows for a fact (despite all my own fears and worries) that God will indeed use every aspect of our lives for His glory and His renown. Your hands will be even more full of life-giving water to share with others because of the journey you’re on right now. God owns time, He owns talent, He owns resources. You are His, and you are greatly loved. I can’t wait to see His work through you…it will be more than you could ask or even think. And I know that beautiful creative mind of yours – so just imagine how much greater His creativity is going to be in the coming years!

xoxo Ronne

Comment by wordpainters

You are wise, my friend. And true.

Comment by amycourts

you are a child of god, a wife (& step mother) and a mom-to-be. what a sweet and awesome life.

i know you will see that your career will pale in comparison to you being the mother and a TOTALLY dependent baby. i think the baby will help put the aspects/pieces of your life in perspective and you will feel more certain in what direction your career should take.

god is at the helm so enjoy the ride.:)

Comment by wally

Amy, this is beautiful. And really speaking to me because pretty much the opposite has happened to me so far… We never had an accident, unfortunately, and since September, we’ve been actually trying to get pregnant. And it’s not happening yet. I know it will happen in God’s timing, but every month that it doesn’t happen, my heart breaks so much. It really hasn’t been that long yet, compared to how long some people have to wait. But I’m finding it so hard right now to keep the faith, so hard to believe that it will really happen for me. I am doing better than I was, though… I’ve stopped obsessively tracking my basal temperature and worrying quite as much about when I’m ovulating. Just trying to relax about it. And I do pretty well. Except for the few days a week when I’m waiting anxiously, hoping not to get the dreaded monthly visitor… and I could use prayer, because that is how I will be spending the next few days, lol.

But… your post reminds me of one thing. Whatever God has for me, it’s an amazing thing because it’s His plans for me. I hope and pray that includes being a mom. But I’ll be honest with you… I don’t know if I can handle it if that’s not in the plans. So I’m praying that God will give me patience and acceptance of whatever comes my way. Because if I keep doing this, and keep not getting pregnant, I’m only going to be miserable and bitter. And that’s good for nobody.

Add that to the fact that there are people getting pregnant who don’t care about their babies… who drink/smoke/do drugs while pregnant… who barely interact with their babies and will lay small babies down on a couch with a pillow to prop up the bottle rather than feed them correctly… and I just say “why? why them? why not me?”

And I’d fully consider adopting, but there is no way in heck I can afford that.

Sorry that was so long. But I could definitely use some prayer about this. I am just so afraid that I’ll keep getting disappointed and that I’ll get angry with God. And that’s causing me to pull away from Him.

Comment by Misty Fagan

Misty, I have been and will continue to pray for you guys! It may not sound like it at times, but I am keenly aware of just how lucky we are to have gotten our wish in such perfect if unexpected time. If it brings you hope: we have some DEAR friends who, after ten years of trying and not getting pregnant, finally went with IVF and had their first daughter (praise God!). And THEN, two years later when they went back in to implant the last two embryos, they found out they couldn’t…because she was already pregnant. 🙂 What a miracle, twice – no, thrice – over. God is good.

Comment by amycourts

The prayers are much appreciated 🙂 And honestly, I think you always sound like you just feel completely lucky and blessed by it 🙂 And I can’t wait to see pictures and hear stories all about the baby… and I definitely want to know how the Softbums work out for you since I’m planning to probably use those exclusively.

God IS good… but gosh… if I have to wait 10 years? I don’t think I can make it. I’m already 27. But most of my problem is that I have always been too caught up in MY plans and MY timing. And I need to realize that His are better. But that’s easier said than done sometimes 🙂

Comment by Misty Fagan

I also want to say that you have many fans that will always anxiously await new music from you, no matter how long it is. Before the return of the Knappster, I would mention her to people all the time and say mournfully “I miss Jennifer Knapp. I wish she’d come back” So did many other people. Your music touches us the same way hers did. So, we’ll be here.

Comment by Misty Fagan

well take it from a single mom: there will be time for music. there is time for whatever you put your mind to. you are a determined enough person to achieve whatever you wish to, that’s really all it takes: not giving up.

and you will never be small, that is crazy. unknown, who knows. but never, ever, ever small.

even if the only difference you made with your life was the one you’ve made in mine, that in and of itself is beauty enough for a lifetime. but you’ve already done much larger things than change our lives forever, and i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is much, much, much more in store for you.

Comment by leanna jackson

Amy, I HAVE been praying, and will continue to pray, that the Lord would cause your heart to embrace your calling to wife and mom in the same way He has caused your heart to embrace your calling to music. I don’t know what His plans are with your music, but I do know that your calling to be a mommy to my nephewbean is a high and holy calling.

Tell nephewbean I said, “HI! I can’t wait to meet you!” We love you all very, very much!

Comment by Sister

You are also wise and true!

Comment by amycourts

Hey Amy, I think you are fantastic. I understand much of what you said. I so appreciate your honesty. I understand your fear of “becoming small and unimportant and unknown…” I have been there…still am sometimes. But this I know: I have three daughters, 17, 12, and 5 (gosh, I’m old!), and to that little man you will BE the world, you will be a total rock star in his eyes. He will look at you with big, beautiful eyes one day and you will see it. It will probably frighten you in a way, but you will love it. And you will know that, even if you have to totally give up this part of your life (which I doubt), it will be worth it. God sees your beautiful heart and He loves you desperately, and you know His plan for you is good. Following Him is a complete ride, man, an awesome adventure, and never boring. I hope these words encourage you!

Comment by Kay Clifton

Wow, Thank you for you honesty and reviling your fears and prays.I am the mother of 4. none of them were planed. the first 3 where almost grown and out of the house and then I meet my partner Angel and her son John, he was 10 at the time. I thought to my self, this is instant love, Here I go again. He is Now 13. I told them all they were a “lovely surprise.” I was never one of those people who craved to have children, so when I found my self pregnant and sick I really didn’t like what was going on and no idea how I was going to be a mother, BTW I was not given an owners manual at the hospital when I went home with my lovely surprises, Daughter Sarah, daughter Angela, and son Joshua. Sarah was colicky and I heart from nursing and healing from the birth. The truth is I was scared but rose to the actuation. Meaning we learned each other along the way. That’s how we all made it through. I now see them as my first ministry. You WILL be you gift in all you go through. I hear the definition of courage is being scared and doing it anyway. Sounds to me like this lovely surprise is setting you up in your journey God has for your courageous life, But then again, I’m just a wife and a mother. lol

Comment by Faith Angelic

If I may clarify…there is no such thing, in my mind or in reality, as “just” a wife and a mother. 🙂

Comment by amycourts

Sorry Hun. I was being ferocious. My point is Parenting will bring you to a new level in you being your gift.

Comment by Faith Angelic

Well said, Amy. I am praising God with you for these little “accidents.” We had one as well and, at 13 weeks, I miscarried… for something I hadn’t planned, I already felt so much love for him or her and losing the focus of that love was devastating. I’m sure it is a bit worrisome… thinking about what comes next with your career/all your hard work at stake, but I am so glad you recognize that God is to be trusted and what you will have in the time to come will be fantastically beautiful and that you do not take
that fact for granted! God bless you and your family.

Comment by Elizabeth

Amy, the thing I love so much about your music is the passion and life experience that you bring to it. Being a mother is only going to enhance that. Yes, the first few months are going to likely require you to devote all of your attention to your baby – and at first, that thought is extremely overwhelming! I was determined that there was no way I was ever going to allow myself to experience postpartum depression – that my sweet little guy was such a blessing and there was no reason to be upset. After having him, I still have not experienced PPD (praise God!), but I can say that I honest understand why women do experience it. It’s a huge, immediate change in your life and there’s nothing that you can do to stop it. You’ll realize that you might go out less because it’s just easier to stay at home with the baby, or else you will bring baby with and find that sometimes it’s overwhelming to have to stop what you’re doing to feed him!

The reality of it is that it’s going to be insane for awhile, it’s going to be new and scary – but it’s also going to be one of the most fulfilling, rewarding things you will ever go through in your life. I love love LOVE that when Ethan is really upset and crying, I’m the only one who can calm him down. I love that he cries when he sees me come into the room and I don’t immediately pick him up. I love that he so desperately needs me.

The passion of a mother’s heart can only lead to beautiful music. I guarantee it.

I love you!

Comment by Kami

Kami, I so appreciate your candidness on this! Especially since you…well…KNOW. 🙂 Thank you, and thank you!!

Comment by amycourts

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