amy courts: en route

on impending motherhood
January 8, 2011, 12:41 pm
Filed under: Baby, Home Life, Uncategorized

He responds to my touch. I can lay my hand over my belly, and he’ll start kicking it. Like he’s giving me a high-five. He does the same with Paul.

He dances when his daddy plays guitar…until the song lulls him to sleep.

He wiggles around, as if trying to find the most comfortable position to sit and listen, while I read to him. Right now, we’re at chapter 8 of the book of John, and judging by the words he reacts to, we’re going to have to spend some good time explaining that when he takes communion, he’s not actually eating flesh or drinking blood. No, my beloved son, Jesus did not make us a church of vampires.

Some days, he just plays all day long, and I feel the little kicks and jabs here and there and everywhere, reminding me that he’s becoming.

And it seems that he’s developing either a strong affinity toward or against (I can’t be sure) spicy foods. One bite, and he’s squirming everywhere.

I don’t know him, but I know him. I have no idea what shape his personality will take in the years to come.

I don’t know if he’ll love math and science (What!? Who’s child can this possibly be!?! The son of two musicians is an astrophysicist!?), or if he’ll write books or songs or nothing at all.

I don’t know if he’ll be a desk philosopher or a hands-on build-it man.

Maybe he’ll love the theater like his father, or being the class clown (in a good way) like his big brother Matt, or maybe he’ll be an imaginative over-achiever who exaggerates everything like his mother (please, God, not that!).

I don’t know any of this, and it sometimes terrifies me.

But there’s one thing I know, and this is a truth I’ve never experienced more powerfully or profoundly until now: No matter what he is, who he is, where he goes, or what he does, I long and ache for him to know and be transformed by the love of Jesus.

I want him to know in his bones that he was created to see and know and love his Maker, all because his Maker sees and knows and loves him infinitely.

I’m equal parts excited and terrified of this great task of teaching him these things without forcing him to see what he’s not ready to see. What is this profound calling, to shepherd a child, and how will I ever be equipped to do it well? Where do I even begin!?

At 24 weeks pregnant, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do or give for this little boy who isn’t even here yet. I can only imagine the lengths to which I’ll stride or the heights to which I’ll leap or the depths to which I’ll willingly plunge when he’s in my arms, his little fingers wrapping around mine.

And if I, a simple, sinful human can love him so deeply already…

I simply cannot begin to fathom the love God has for him.

And I am altogether stunned to consider how deep is the Father’s love for me in giving me this unspeakable gift of bringing a person into the world.

Oh, that I won’t do him wrong.


6 Comments so far
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Comment by Liesl

so, so beautifully put.
and as impossibly large as this love is now, it grows exponentially the moment he’s birthed. (to state the obvious.) it takes that love for jesus, the deepest love you’ve ever known, and multiplies it more than one ever imagined possible. that’s the one thing i have learned most from motherhood, that when my son was born, my capacity to love was so much greater than i could’ve anticipated, and then to love jesus more than THAT?! kind of makes me wish for everyone to experience the love of a child, and to see god in it. that’s what this whole post felt like to me, seeing love in such a true and innocent form makes his spirit so evident around us. so, so beautiful.

like button x infinity.

Comment by leanna jackson

I do love how you put things. Those emotions are something that you can’t understand until you are there, and it is terrifying to know you have the “future” of a child in your hands and hope that you’re not going to scar them for life. lol. As long as you keep that perspective (the God loves him more than you do, and that you are guiding him towards God) then you won’t go wrong. love ya! Can’t wait to see who God is sending your way!

Comment by Rachelle Metzger

God has already prepared you to be an awesome mother! I am very proud to have you as my sister-in-law. Looking forward to your little blessings arrival. 🙂

Comment by Jon Koopman

I like that: the love impossibly large and ever growing. So true. I don’t think I’ve understood – in any capacity – infinity til now. I can’t wait to meet him and love him and teach him and hopefully not screw him up!

Comment by amycourts

That was beautiful, Amy 🙂 You’re going to be such a sweet, wonderful mother. Glad to hear things are going well!

Comment by Misty Fagan

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