I’ve been feeling a bit dry and weary lately. I knew it was coming. In fact, just two weeks ago, while applying makeup and thinking about how happy and up I was, I thought to myself, “Well, it can’t last long. Contentment is the surest route to spiritual discontentment.” God is quick to rid us of our self-sufficiency and remind us of our need for Him.
It brought to mind the title of Sixpence None the Richer’s last studio album, ‘Divine Discontent.’ I don’t believe God longs for us to be unhappy. But I do believe He longs for us to be hungry; To never be satisfied with anything less than everything He has to give…which flows from infinite abundance. 
I’ve been struggling a lot with direction, purpose, satisfaction, and motivation. I am anxious to be on the road full time, especially since I so wholly believe this upcoming tour is worth every ounce of energy it might take to fill the calendar. But at the same time, as I continue to bang my head against brick walls and look for ways to scale them, I can’t help but question it all and wonder if it’s God’s idea or mine; if it’s a timing issue; if it’s a calling issue. If it’s a pride issue.
So, as any good American Christian should, I’ve scoured all available resources, re-read four month’s worth of daily devotions by Oswald Chambers and CS Lewis, looked for bits of wisdom online and in old textbooks and commentaries and new devotionals…
…And I’ve been left sorely wanting.
It seems despite their great wisdom, they are all still human.
Today, as I read an enlightening but not inspiring daily dose of TableTalk, my mind took me to a conversation I had with the director of the Village of Hope in Gulu, Uganda (where I’ll be spending the month of October), who told me she would love for me to teach Bible studies to the women in the Village, but advised me to leave the “materials” here in the States, because these women are hungry for the Word, and only the Word.
That’s where I am right now. I’m weary and dissatisfied with ‘daily devotionals’ and daily bible verses and daily this or that. I’m still starving after scarfing down my daily bread, ill-proportioned as it is by the Bible Society of America, or whoever it is who decides what’s enough to meet my daily needs.
My needs have become hourly, and utterly insatiable.
I crave more of the Word; I need it to be Pure of human additives.
And so…like David, I choose to wait. To meditate on His goodness day and night, to remember His faithfulness through seasons of drought and abundance, to write His law of love on my heart and on my mind, to carry His gospel as my torch in a dark night, and believe with every ounce of faith I have, trusting He will help my unbelief.
And I will wait for Him to move me forward, basking in the pure, simple richness of His presence until He does.
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amy courts: en route 
this is my daily struggle. sitting around wondering if i’m doing enough. wondering why i’m still within this countries’ boundaries when my heart is elsewhere. wondering if it’s foolish or a sort of spiritual wreckless abandon to up and go somewhere and do something of purpose. wondering what would be left to come back to if i did, wondering if i would be risking zebediah’s health or life in doing so. et cetera, et cetera.
waiting seems to only give time to these circling thoughts and ambitions. i’m lost.
i hope something worthwile comes of your waiting.
Comment by leanna jackson February 4, 2009 @ 3:52 amI could not agree more! Why is it that we are so quick to turn to devotionals and human thoughts about God, instead of the pure word itself? Not that there’s anything wrong with devotionals and christian writings, I often am encouraged and built up and filled anew when reading them, but there’s definitely something different about the pure unadulterated Word of God. It’s a little like the difference between reading a movie review, and watching the movie itself… reviews and summaries can be helpful, but when it comes down to it, I want to watch the actual movie!
1 Peter 2:1-3
Comment by nater February 4, 2009 @ 11:07 amTherefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.
Hey Amy!
I saw you on Wes and Leslie’s site and thought to see what you are up to. Thanks for sharing your heart about this, I know where you are at, for I was there not long ago. I will be praying for you girl, waiting on the Lord can be hard, but he is always worth waiting for, what he wants to give you is far greater then you could ever dream. I encourage you to seek him in his Holy Word, he will give you what you are looking for!
~Chanda
Comment by Chanda March 6, 2009 @ 8:15 amThe wanting that you have right now, is exactly where Paul was trying to get the Colossians. They too had read all the popular books, and were trying to gain all knowledge and insight from everywhere possible, thinking they could learn more by reading more/listening to more people. Philosophy was big back then, as it is now, especially in the “american christian church”. So from this book I encourage you, and would highly recommend you study again.
“For I want you to know how great a struggle I have for you and for those at Laodicea and for all who have not seen me face to face, that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I SAY THIS IN ORDER THAT NO ONE MAY DELUDE YOU WITH PLAUSIBLE ARGUMENTS.”
The NIV (which I rarely quote) says that last part well: “I tell you this so that no one may deceive you with fine sounding arguments.”
“See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ”.
As much as you want to learn and go deeper by devotionals and books (I too, read alot!), the Bible contains all understanding and knowledge of mystery, as interpreted by the Holy Spirit.
Comment by Josh March 7, 2009 @ 7:42 amHi Amy!
I know its been a while since you posted this…erm, post, but I wanted to comment on it, as its something that I’ve been struggling with a lot myself. When I get to this stage, almost burnt out from reading the word everyday, when it becomes just words on a page instead of something meaningful, I find the need to take a step back from the word. I set my bible on a shelf and take a break.
This is not to say that I take a break from God, but I take a break from his word. Instead I try to concentrate on God’s work in my daily life, how he moves in me and in the world around me. Maybe its just a sign that you need to concentrate less on what God’s word says and not enough on the people around you, and how you can help them, spiritually and otherwise.
A nice book that touches on disillusionment (not the word I’m looking for, but I hope you get the point) with the the daily routine of daily Bible versus and quiet time, is “Wide Open Spaces” by Jim Palmer. Having just read it myself, I think its a fantastic book on how to find God outside of the Bible or other time that you set aside to concentrate solely on God or his commandments.
Comment by Paul March 19, 2009 @ 4:20 pmHi Amy,
Just a thought, but have you prayed about whether you are putting your energies into the wrong things? I see by your frequent posts about Africa, and the passion that God has given you for the people there, that God is definitely working in your heart for that continent. Maybe the tour and the music and the energy that you are putting into it is energy that God would have you put into serving Him in Africa?
Just a thought, definitely not my place to tell you what God is leading you to do, but in reading over your posts, this seems a consistent theme…
Blessings in Christ
Comment by anon March 30, 2009 @ 1:21 pmWell that’s part of it, for sure. Waiting on God’s timing for Africa because that adventure, close and dear to my heart as it is, more than maybe anything else cannot be hurried or rushed, but must be entered into with utmost deliberation. I’m grateful and excited to say I will most likely be going in October to the Village of Hope, where half my heart already lives.
And that is another reason this tour idea was and is so important: the funds raised from it, through sales and sponsorships, etc., would be going 100% to that trip. And the tour itself is about service…here and abroad.
But that’s all stuff you can’t have known, because it’s nothing I committed to paper. That’s why it was such a struggle in my heart and mind: because I knew (and have become further convinced and affirmed) that this tour, more than any other, would be ab out Africa and about those here in the States who are Jesus’ beloved and the least among us.
Thank God…I’m figuring it out finally.
Comment by amycourts March 30, 2009 @ 3:48 pm