I Am Waiting…

I’ve been feeling a bit dry and weary lately. I knew it was coming. In fact, just two weeks ago, while applying makeup and thinking about how happy and up I was, I thought to myself, “Well, it can’t last long. Contentment is the surest route to spiritual discontentment.” God is quick to rid us of our self-sufficiency and remind us of our need for Him.

It brought to mind the title of Sixpence None the Richer’s last studio album, ‘Divine Discontent.’ I don’t believe God longs for us to be unhappy. But I do believe He longs for us to be hungry; To never be satisfied with anything less than everything He has to give…which flows from infinite abundance.

I’ve been struggling a lot with direction, purpose, satisfaction, and motivation. I am anxious to be on the road full time, especially since I so wholly believe this upcoming tour is worth every ounce of energy it might take to fill the calendar. But at the same time, as I continue to bang my head against brick walls and look for ways to scale them, I can’t help but question it all and wonder if it’s God’s idea or mine; if it’s a timing issue; if it’s a calling issue. If it’s a pride issue.

So, as any good American Christian should, I’ve scoured all available resources, re-read four month’s worth of daily devotions by Oswald Chambers and CS Lewis, looked for bits of wisdom online and in old textbooks and commentaries and new devotionals…

…And I’ve been left sorely wanting.

It seems despite their great wisdom, they are all still human.

Today, as I read an enlightening but not inspiring daily dose of TableTalk, my mind took me to a conversation I had with the director of the Village of Hope in Gulu, Uganda (where I’ll be spending the month of October), who told me she would love for me to teach Bible studies to the women in the Village, but advised me to leave the “materials” here in the States, because these women are hungry for the Word, and only the Word.

That’s where I am right now. I’m weary and dissatisfied with ‘daily devotionals’ and daily bible verses and daily this or that. I’m still starving after scarfing down my daily bread, ill-proportioned as it is by the Bible Society of America, or whoever it is who decides what’s enough to meet my daily needs.

My needs have become hourly, and utterly insatiable.

I crave more of the Word; I need it to be Pure of human additives.

And so…like David, I choose to wait. To meditate on His goodness day and night, to remember His faithfulness through seasons of drought and abundance, to write His law of love on my heart and on my mind, to carry His gospel as my torch in a dark night, and believe with every ounce of faith I have, trusting He will help my unbelief.

And I will wait for Him to move me forward, basking in the pure, simple richness of His presence until He does.